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Are You Feeling Drained?

How are you acting in your life and in your relationship?


Unplugging in your relationship, so that energy, electricity isn’t flowing through, keeps intimacy turned off. When we experience things like hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger in our relationships, turning away and withdrawing can be a protective strategy to try and help. Protective strategies can look like working late, over drinking, lack of eye contact, avoiding topics, not sharing and avoiding the same room.


Blaming, name calling, belittling are all examples of being reactive and not responsive. When we lose touch with our values and our wise mind - we can communicate in a way that scares the other away instead of drawing them in for connection. You are experiencing something that matters and is important - how we go about sharing and communicating is vital. We need to keep connection open, curious and understanding. 

Avoidance of Discomfort 

Intimacy and connecting with your partner can feel uncomfortable at times. Vulnerability in sharing your true experiences and listening to the others around more difficult topics is not always easy. When we avoid each other, when we avoid sharing and listening to each other it starts to give the uncomfortable thing more power and more intensity. Avoiding discomfort can lead to a decrease in passion, excitement, friendship and trust. 

Inside Your Mind 

Our brain generates all sorts of thoughts in the form of judgments and beliefs that are sometimes helpful, and other times not helpful to behave based upon. Unfortunately we can start to create a story about our spouse, how bad, uncaring, selfish, boring etc., they are, which then in turn influences how we engage or respond. We start to listen to all of our thoughts when we are upset that may or may not be helpful or generally true. 

Neglecting Values 

What kind of person do you want to be when you are experiencing hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger? Are you behaving in a way that represents your values even when there is conflict? How can living in the direction of your values and goals as a person impact how you act in your relationship? Getting more clear on what a meaningful life looks like for you, the character traits and values you care about can help guide you to the behavior that helps you the most when experiencing darker moments. 

Adapted from ACT With Love by Russ Harris

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